Tuesday, March 9, 2010

New BFF, B-Dub Style

Whoot! Just noticed that this is my 100th post. What better way to celebrate than getting a new Bestie? Awesome.

Ok, ok, I can't stand it. I have reviewed your New BFF for B-Dub Applications and I must say: I Love You Guys! Now there really can only be one winner of the B-Dub New Bestie Award, but how to choose? I don't know if I can do it- but here goes nothing.

Automatic Disqualification:

Bekum, you already are a Bestie and as such you are ineligible for this contest. Um, still waiting on my BFF charm, btw. And it is true, the arse has ALWAYS been big, and you do tell me all the time. Jerk. And, if you weren't automatically disqualified your answer to #12 would have been the ax for you anyways. TELL ME TO VAGAZZLE? Are you nuts? All I gotta say is you first.

Ian: I can't believe you already broke it off! I mean, I know I obsess over the Ga but that doesn't mean we cant be friends. How did you put it "this isn't working out. I am sincerely breaking up with you." You cut me real deep Shrek, real deep. (And Vagazzled? Google it, something about a Brazilian Bikini wax followed by gluing little crystal things all over so your vajayjay looks like a disco ball. Not. Cool.)

ScoMan: I love you more than my luggage. But no love for the Ga? Unfortunately that is a deal breaker. Same goes for you Bridgette. Without the Ga there can be no BFF. Although ScoMan you did score some extra points for optimism and willingness to get along with my kids. So, maybe this is something we can work on...

Whew! Now we are down to two. That was tough indeed. It makes me sads to have to choose! Can there be a tie, or is that cheating? I don't know if I can do it. 

Alright, here is the solution! Below are the responses from both remaining contenders. Webbers, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to review and VOTE! Sa-Weet. This way I won't actually have to choose- you get to do it for me! The Contenders (wait, wasn't that a reality show? Even better) are Rabbit and The Savage. Here we go (my comments are in purple):

1. Are you male or female?
Rabbit: Sometimes.

The Savage: Male

2. Do you now, or have you ever obsessed over Lady Gaga?
Rabbit: I was the original Gaga. Rewind several years and you will see Dazey Mayhem on a cross bleeding ON the audience with a crown of thorns to Army of Lover's "Crucified." (The Original Ga? Perhaps I love you.)

The Savage: I wouldn't say obsessed but I do like her stuff... her music kicks ass too (Well, as long as you like her stuff...)

3. Are you homosexual? If you answer no to this one: Are you willing to be?
Rabbit: That guy at the truck stop sure seems to think so... (is that a yes?)

The Savage: No but I can pretend I have a Kids in the Hall-worthy lisp (ashamed to admit that I am not sure what this means.)

4. Are you able to provide fashion advice?
Rabbit: Only if you are willing to take fashion advice from a 7 foot tall tranny with an obsession with all things untoward. (Who better to give fashion advice?)

The Savage: As a matter of fact yes (are you sure you aren't gay?)

5. Would you truthfully tell me if my ass looked big? or if I had something stuck in my teeth?
Rabbit: No, but I'd tell you if your teeth looked big and you had something stuck in your ass. Priorities, babe. (Touche.)

The Savage: yes and yes and why you purse doesn't match your shoes (your getting more awesomer already)

6. Are you willing to wear an inscribed BFF bracelet or necklace at all times?
Rabbit: Only if it is made from the remains of my last client. (Sadly Bob was in a freak gasoline fight accident)

The Savage: Only if I can attach it to my nipple ring (Slightly scared, and yet intrigued)

7. Are you willing to accept phone calls and text messages 24/7 for when I am feeling lonely or needy or I if I have a bad dream?
Rabbit: Of course, but calling me to remedy a bad dream is probably not your wisest plan of action. (Why?)

The Savage: yes (thats right, you better answer your phone when I call!)

8. Will you accompany me to the restroom regardless of where we are?
Rabbit: Accompany? Yes. Assist? No. Yo' shit is yo' shit. (thank you for that)

The Savage: yes (your momma raised you right)

9. Are you available for long shopping trips that will (unfortunately) include at least one, but prolly both punky punks who hate shopping?
Rabbit: I am available but no guarantees on disposition. Hot Topic Spawn and The People of Walmart incites rabbity violence. (but I love it when you go off on people- although I don't think my kids should hear it. Wait, I don't even shop at Hot Topic!)

The Savage: If I lives closer but I'm a tad too far away (True, but we could surf the web together : ) 

10. If you had one ticket to see Lady Ga would you willingly gift it to me because I obviously love her more than you?
Rabbit: Only on the proviso that you provide a detailed analysis of The Tuck. (I expect nothing less)

The Savage: That would be the reason I had the one ticket... and back stage passes too (You would forever be enshrined in the B-Dub Hall o' Fame)

11. If I have an identity crisis and forget, for example, that I am not 18 anymore are you willing to let me down easy?
Rabbit: No. I will just play along. (yes, but for how long?)

The Savage: Sure (so you don't like roll play?)

12. Finally, and prolly the most important, should I lose my mind and decide to get Vagazzled will you happily punch me in the face?
Rabbit: No (can't hit gurrls). But I will provide a thorough desparklification with a pressure washer and Borax. I think that's a better deterrent than a punch anyway. (you have a point. Scared.)

The Savage: Not happily (but ultimately it would be for my own good. I appreciate your willingness to punch me in the face.)

And now it is your hands B-Dubbers! Make me proud, and remember I will be stuck with this new BFF for the rest of forever- so vote carefully! 


  1. Why can't the three of you be a best friend sandwich?

  2. I vote for Rabbit because he made me LAUGH :) BTW, I played sick from work yesterday because it was so nice outside, so your hairbows didn't get mailed until this morning. Still, it shouldn't take them that long because you're only one state away :)

  3. But... but... but... I'm taller and I say 'fuck' a lot! And I have the Gagalicious Bow O' Hair - AND rabbit ears - AND a tiara! And I wear red petticoats to Walmart and sing Opera to the kumquats! Damn it!

  4. Hey now, I didn't want to break it off that quick but my honest answers would have certainly taken me out of the running.

    I hereby re-submit my application knowing full well you won't pick me anyway :(

    Hey does it help that I am a huge closet Bangles fan?

    What say you B-DUB?


  6. I think both have their strong points:

    Savage - For his Kids in the Hall reference (Bravo)
    Rabbit - For his anlaysis of Lady GaGa's "tuck"

    I am being wishy washy here, but you can't go wrong with either of these two.

  7. Rabbit gets points for his sometimes response to the male or female question, but then Savage's Kids in the Hall-worthy lisp kind of takes to the cake.
    Blueviolet has the right idea. I distinctly remember a version of the best friend necklaces from my youth (these were goldish and ugly not like the cute pics here) that had three different pieces to them.

  8. Rabbit is at the top of my list.

  9. Savage gets mucho points for the Kids in the Hall reference, Rabbit was the original Ga. Rabbit evoked a Zoolander reference, so that's extra points, but Savage would attach the charm to their nipple ring...this is a tough one. Since jello-fighting to the death is not an option, I am going to go with SAVAGE, but only cause I love the underdog. Good luck!

  10. Dammit Gaga you've screwed me again!

    But I'll get you yet!

    I vote for Rabbit because his answers made me laugh in the original post and I knew when I read them he deserved it more than I did.