See, it started out with my birthday partying last week. Only my mother didn't so much get me a birthday present. But not to worry! I wasn't upset or anything. It happens sometimes like every year when things get busy or whatever.
So this year I let her off the hook- I told her if she wanted to watch my kids and buy me a pedicure that would happen while she was watching my kids then we would be even. But the key was that I didn't want to take the kids with me while I was getting a pedicure. You all understand, don't you internet? I mean, a pedicure loses it's redemptive qualities if there is a nine year old punk complaining that he is bored. Or a three year old trying on every color of nail polish available, only not putting the caps back on and therefore creating a sea of nail polish of every color imaginable on the floor..... I just couldn't take it. If the pedicure was gonna happen then she had to watch those punks!
So after said mother agrees to 1) keep 2 punks, age 9 and 3 and 2) pay for pedicure; I left the house and drove about three or four blocks to the nearest nail salon and subjected myself to their devices of torture. And do you know what? I loved every minute of it. Mostly the "No Kids" part. But also the foot rubbing, and the chair massaging, and the relaxing...
Then she turned me blue. Literally.
Now, I am not sure if you have been turned blue before; but it wasn't totally uncomfortable. In fact, I might even get accustomed to being turned blue.
Now see those jars? The green, blue, white? The big ones? Those jars hold the nectar of all pedicure gods. It was fabulous. Something about sugar... and sea salt .... and citrus oils.....
And then- as if it wasn't great already, she did THIS!!!
Dear Pedicure Lady,
Thank you for wrapping my feet in those fantastically heated towels, that just happen to be orange. Orange is my signature color.
I love you. Will you marry me?
B-Dub
ps. the language barrier isn't really a problem for me, assuming it isn't a problem with you!
Now where, you rightly ask, did this adventure almost turn south? Because, and it is true, B-Dub was completely enjoying this pedicure. And there was no nail polish sea of colors anywhere to be found. Not was there a nine year old punk whining. It all appears perfect. Flawless even.
Well, let B-Dub tell you. It was as fabulous as it seemed- and perhaps even better. Aside from totally freaking out the Pedicure Lady with offers of marriage, that is.
You see, internet, the hotness of the towels began to fade. And the slimy-ness of the blue stuff began to stiffen. It had to end. And as Pedicure Lady was washing the blue from my feet and legs she asks if I would like to wax.
"Wax what?" says B-Dub
"Your feet" says Pedicure Lady (who henceforth with be called PL for simplicity's sake)
"What do you mean, my feet?" says B-Dub
"You have hairy toe, and top of foot. I wax it off. Take 2 minutes. Wax is ready" says PL
"But I really don't think its that bad, and I really don't want to wax my feet" says B-Dub
"But wax you feet keep them smooth for about two month" says PL
"No, really, I can't wax my feet. I can barely stand to wax my mustache, and Charley teases me about it and everything. No, I am not going to wax my feet" says B-Dub
"I just go get wax. You very hairy, need wax" says PL
I was, of course, hyperventilating by this point. There was no way this lady was gonna get anywhere near my feet with hot wax. Not gonna happen. Ever.
And then something fantastic happened.
Her next appointment came in! Then she totally forgot about torturing me with wax, and I could once again go about my relaxing without scoping for the nearest exit. Because seriously internet- if she had come at me with wax I was gonna jump ship and haul out of there. I would have paid for my partial manicure using a check sent safely through the Untied States Postal Service. No return address.
Besides. my feet aren't that bad. Are they?
HA HA HA HA HA HA
BWAHAHAHAHAHAH
WHOOOOWHOOOWHOO
Gotcha!
Those aren't my piggies! They belong to Captain Normal! Here is what I wound up with:
and yes I know, I do have some hair on my toe. Get over it. Or quit looking. Perv.
Oh, and I also made her paint my nails to match. Because I'm all matchy like that. And unfortunately fortunately for myself, my nail polish MATCHES my PURSE exactly. What are the odds that I would choose TWO items that are the same shade of ORANGE????
Did I mention that orange is my signature color?
I would also like to apoligize to everyone in the nail salon who were freaked out by my picture taking. In my defense, the internet made me do it.
Additionally, today, 11/6/09, I am going to pick up my hubby and steal him away to a lovely hotel near Ft. Benning, GA. You see, the kids and I left Montana in May. That also happens to be the last time we have seen Charley. You bet these kids are excited. And B-Dub too. So, on that note you probably won't hear from me until Tuesday next week. I know, I know, I will miss you too, internet. Don't go changing whilst I am away. Oh, and can someone look after my FarmVille. You know how much I love it. And adopting animals. Especially when Charley is away. Hehehehe.
