Friday, March 12, 2010

Its One of Those, Don't Say I Didn't Warn Ya

Ever have one of those blogging kinda days where there is so much to talk about, and so little space to do it in? I think bullet points are appropriate for this kind of post:

* First and foremost, I need to give a HUGE thanks to blogy friend Katy for sending Littlest some hair bows. This about sums up her reaction:

Sorry for the creepy red-eye, being lazy today...

* Overheard some kids today, and by kids I mean 14 year old boys, giving advice to each other. 
Boy one: "Dude, did you know if you shave your legs it makes your calf muscles grow BIGGER??"
Boy two: "Are you freakin serious?!? Think my Mom will notice if I borrow her razer?"
For this, I have no words. To my Oldest. Yes, yes I will notice if you use my razer, and I will not be happy.

* I paid off TWO credit cards today!!!!! Best feeling EVER, till I looked at the bank account and saw that it was running low.

*To cheer myself up I went and bought a camera. Kinda not quite with the whole "get out of debt plan" but I had to send my other one to Charley in Afghanistan and I seriously felt vulnerable without one. I bought a Canon Power Shot SD 980 IS. Doesn't mean anything to you? Yeah, me neither. But its PRETTY!!

*Charley called and told me he had a dream where we were video conferencing and suddenly my new boyfriend came up and kissed me on the cheek. First of all, I lovingly reminded him, he is married to a freakin hermit who can't seem to leave the Log Cabin without experiencing some sort of embarrassing kid moment. Second of all, my new BFF is a 7 ft tall Trany. His response? "I think I really like your new BFF, has she given you any cool makeup advice?" Me: "...   ....    ..... Are you sure you aren't gay?"

* This one is for real B-Dubbers, I need your advice! When you go and pick up Chinese food do you tip the guy? I never know what to do! Right there on the receipt that I have to sign is a spot for a tip, but I just drove my happy self and two punks all the freakin way over here to pick it up!!! Today I did not leave a tip. And the old man scowled. Oh how he scowled. Do you tip when you get take out?

* I had an e-mail from my FRG (Family Readiness Group, for those who don't speak Army) lady today. And I quote:
"Please be aware:  One of our Soldiers received an unsolicited email from
someone who knew her husband had deployed and offered a "discrete
relationship." wary of anyone offering unsolicited services - some

criminals like to try to determine whose husbands are deployed so they
can target these families."

To which I replied "Some ladies have all the luck." Just got her response. "You ARE kidding right?"
Further, I am an excellent shot with my Matilda, and should she run out of ammo I can always use her as a club. So go ahead Doers of Evil, try and make it past my front door. 

*  We have too many guns. But Fairy Princess Barbie loves them, so they stay. And really, any of them would be useful if someone tried to break in. Too bad for me they are up and outta reach of small hands. Probably, I should practice getting them down and loaded just in case I actually need to one day.

Anyone still here??? Whew, you are one of the few who actually made it through this randombloggery! And here's a teaser for you: I think my dog is trying to take over the world, one possessed picture at a time. More tomorrow.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


Had to take the punks to the Doctor. Yearly checkups and all that jazz- nothing serious. Or so I thought!!! A vision exam is part of the whole deal, and this year was the very first time that Littlest got to participate. Her chart is a little different, it uses pictures instead of letters. She didn't score very well. Up close and personal she accurately identified all the objects. At 10 ft away she got some of them and by 20 ft she could only identify the top ones (ya know the SUPER huge ones).

So my normal, average, super cute,  three year old is being sent to an Ophthalmologist. Not and Optometrist. What's the difference B-Dub? has the answer for you!

Ophthalmologist is a physician who specializes in the study of anatomy, physiology, and pathology of the eye and diagnosis and treatment of disorders of the eye. 

Optometrist is a person who is awarded a degree of Doctor of Optometry (OD) after at least two years of college and four years in an approved college of optometry followed by a passing state board exam and licensing. 

See, you learn important stuff here. And now I need ya, B-Dubbers. Cause what happens if Littlest is given glasses?? She is three, she owns exactly 23 pairs of sunglasses and wears exactly 2 pair a month for a total of 1.8 minutes. Glasses in real life are going to be  horrific, for me- not her- only I guess her too. Anywhoozle what I'm getting at is HOW is it POSSIBLE to keep glasses on a kid??? Please Advise.

She will eat all kinds of cake until she barfs
or passes out in a sugar induced coma;
 she will NOT wear glasses. 
Not even if cake is used to bribe.

In other news: I think the squirrels have invoked a mating ritual on my roof.  Which is indeed a metal roof. Unsure if Chubaca will make it. I just loaded the bb gun cause I think my shotgun could potentially damage the roof. Crawley-scratchey noises must end.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


Alrighty, enough with the suspense already. Rabbit is indeed the new BFF!!!! There may or may not have been some behind the scene bribery happening involving Ga style bows o'hair!

Mr. The Savage, should for any reason Rabbit does not meet and exceed expectations I will be calling. Still love you long time!
ps spent almost an hour last night looking for BFF charms especially designed for nipple rings. I figure you can have one for your nips and I can put the other on my belly ring : ) will continue the search- promise!

In other news my computer is back to giving me HELL. It hates me, and my kids. It told me so last night. Hence the short post. I will attempt getting back on here when my frustration level is decreased and the computing speed has increased. Prolly follow up with random ramblings cause my head is going NUTS today.

In the mean time check out my new BFF, isn't he pretty?

And Rabbit, I am awaiting your acceptance speech...

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

New BFF, B-Dub Style

Whoot! Just noticed that this is my 100th post. What better way to celebrate than getting a new Bestie? Awesome.

Ok, ok, I can't stand it. I have reviewed your New BFF for B-Dub Applications and I must say: I Love You Guys! Now there really can only be one winner of the B-Dub New Bestie Award, but how to choose? I don't know if I can do it- but here goes nothing.

Automatic Disqualification:

Bekum, you already are a Bestie and as such you are ineligible for this contest. Um, still waiting on my BFF charm, btw. And it is true, the arse has ALWAYS been big, and you do tell me all the time. Jerk. And, if you weren't automatically disqualified your answer to #12 would have been the ax for you anyways. TELL ME TO VAGAZZLE? Are you nuts? All I gotta say is you first.

Ian: I can't believe you already broke it off! I mean, I know I obsess over the Ga but that doesn't mean we cant be friends. How did you put it "this isn't working out. I am sincerely breaking up with you." You cut me real deep Shrek, real deep. (And Vagazzled? Google it, something about a Brazilian Bikini wax followed by gluing little crystal things all over so your vajayjay looks like a disco ball. Not. Cool.)

ScoMan: I love you more than my luggage. But no love for the Ga? Unfortunately that is a deal breaker. Same goes for you Bridgette. Without the Ga there can be no BFF. Although ScoMan you did score some extra points for optimism and willingness to get along with my kids. So, maybe this is something we can work on...

Whew! Now we are down to two. That was tough indeed. It makes me sads to have to choose! Can there be a tie, or is that cheating? I don't know if I can do it. 

Alright, here is the solution! Below are the responses from both remaining contenders. Webbers, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to review and VOTE! Sa-Weet. This way I won't actually have to choose- you get to do it for me! The Contenders (wait, wasn't that a reality show? Even better) are Rabbit and The Savage. Here we go (my comments are in purple):

1. Are you male or female?
Rabbit: Sometimes.

The Savage: Male

2. Do you now, or have you ever obsessed over Lady Gaga?
Rabbit: I was the original Gaga. Rewind several years and you will see Dazey Mayhem on a cross bleeding ON the audience with a crown of thorns to Army of Lover's "Crucified." (The Original Ga? Perhaps I love you.)

The Savage: I wouldn't say obsessed but I do like her stuff... her music kicks ass too (Well, as long as you like her stuff...)

3. Are you homosexual? If you answer no to this one: Are you willing to be?
Rabbit: That guy at the truck stop sure seems to think so... (is that a yes?)

The Savage: No but I can pretend I have a Kids in the Hall-worthy lisp (ashamed to admit that I am not sure what this means.)

4. Are you able to provide fashion advice?
Rabbit: Only if you are willing to take fashion advice from a 7 foot tall tranny with an obsession with all things untoward. (Who better to give fashion advice?)

The Savage: As a matter of fact yes (are you sure you aren't gay?)

5. Would you truthfully tell me if my ass looked big? or if I had something stuck in my teeth?
Rabbit: No, but I'd tell you if your teeth looked big and you had something stuck in your ass. Priorities, babe. (Touche.)

The Savage: yes and yes and why you purse doesn't match your shoes (your getting more awesomer already)

6. Are you willing to wear an inscribed BFF bracelet or necklace at all times?
Rabbit: Only if it is made from the remains of my last client. (Sadly Bob was in a freak gasoline fight accident)

The Savage: Only if I can attach it to my nipple ring (Slightly scared, and yet intrigued)

7. Are you willing to accept phone calls and text messages 24/7 for when I am feeling lonely or needy or I if I have a bad dream?
Rabbit: Of course, but calling me to remedy a bad dream is probably not your wisest plan of action. (Why?)

The Savage: yes (thats right, you better answer your phone when I call!)

8. Will you accompany me to the restroom regardless of where we are?
Rabbit: Accompany? Yes. Assist? No. Yo' shit is yo' shit. (thank you for that)

The Savage: yes (your momma raised you right)

9. Are you available for long shopping trips that will (unfortunately) include at least one, but prolly both punky punks who hate shopping?
Rabbit: I am available but no guarantees on disposition. Hot Topic Spawn and The People of Walmart incites rabbity violence. (but I love it when you go off on people- although I don't think my kids should hear it. Wait, I don't even shop at Hot Topic!)

The Savage: If I lives closer but I'm a tad too far away (True, but we could surf the web together : ) 

10. If you had one ticket to see Lady Ga would you willingly gift it to me because I obviously love her more than you?
Rabbit: Only on the proviso that you provide a detailed analysis of The Tuck. (I expect nothing less)

The Savage: That would be the reason I had the one ticket... and back stage passes too (You would forever be enshrined in the B-Dub Hall o' Fame)

11. If I have an identity crisis and forget, for example, that I am not 18 anymore are you willing to let me down easy?
Rabbit: No. I will just play along. (yes, but for how long?)

The Savage: Sure (so you don't like roll play?)

12. Finally, and prolly the most important, should I lose my mind and decide to get Vagazzled will you happily punch me in the face?
Rabbit: No (can't hit gurrls). But I will provide a thorough desparklification with a pressure washer and Borax. I think that's a better deterrent than a punch anyway. (you have a point. Scared.)

The Savage: Not happily (but ultimately it would be for my own good. I appreciate your willingness to punch me in the face.)

And now it is your hands B-Dubbers! Make me proud, and remember I will be stuck with this new BFF for the rest of forever- so vote carefully! 

Monday, March 8, 2010

Giveaway Update and a Day @ the Park. Sads.

As a rule, I try and keep my posts short. I know ya'll are all pretty busy and all. Today is gonna have to be the exception cause SOOO much happened this weekend and I promised an update on the Giveaway Extravaganza. If your not sure what it is- you must be newish to my blog so go here and catch up.

Just the bare facts:

In the last week I entered 69 (he he) giveaways. Of those 69, 22 of the giveaways have ended. Of the 22 giveaways that ended I won the following:

Misikko Flat Iron- retail value: $300.00
Bee Well Tee Shirt- retail value: (their site is having technical difficulties so I am guessing here) $20.00
Eden Fantasy (oh, yes Webbers!) Giftcard: $25.00
Bored Inc. (choice of 1 item): super glamorous black purse with candy print for Littlest: $30.00
Super Cute Hair Bows (also for Littlest) from Backwoods Boy and a Fairytale Princess: Priceless.

So, funny and also true story, the top 4 giveaway prizes were all from the same place! It would appear that the only time I win a giveaway (with the exception of 1) is when it's from Mass Hole Mommy. I think its because I scream at her on twitter and she thinks the niceness will end unless she bribes me with free stuff.  And she is pretty much right.

So enough with the giveaways and onto the horror that was yesterday. See you prolly all thought I was being funny with the whole "Accepting Best Friend Applications" post. Turns out, I really and truly NEED you. We moved to Tennessee the week before Christmas. And by "we" I mean the kids and I- Charley had to go up to Montana and meet with the movers and pick up his truck. He finally arrived about the 4th of January. Christmas just wasn't the same this year, thats for sure.

Anywhoozle, since we moved here I have met exactly 3 people. Trist, who technically is Charley's friend not mine, and is now deployed. My neighbors, who are a lovely couple that over scheduled themselves leaving no time for hanging out with the psycho that move in next door. And thats it. The complete list. Sads.

In my own defense we have had a lot of visitors- in-laws, siblings, Besties, and my Daddy-O (aka Captain Normal). So now that Charley and Trist are gone and pretty much everyone I know has come to visit I have not much to look forward to. I need some friends.

Yesterday was an awesome day (weather wise) so I decided it would be the bee's knee's if I took the kids to the park. Added benefit? I might meet some one willing to lower themselves to my level and hang out sometime. I forgot exactly who it was I was taking to the park though, and they sabotaged every chance I had at meeting people.

Example 1. I strike up a convo with this lady who has twin girls (Perfect for Littlest!!) Biggest decides he needs to use the restroom. Fine, I sent him off across the parking lot to the not fab port-o- pot style restroom. He returns a few minutes later and I kid you not says: "That bathroom is really gross Mom! It won't flush and there is POOP everywhere, even on the floor! And there was no toilet paper so I had to go outside and get some leaves to wipe with. I think I got some poop on my shoe."

Needless to say that by the time he was done narrating his tale the other Mom had split the coop. Strike 1 for B-Dub.

Example 2. My dog Chubaca loves the park! Especially when I let him go down the slide with the kids. Littlest was playing with a new friend and wanted to show said friend how Chuey can go down the slide. The park was PACKED and I didn't want to let him off the leash in case he got a hair up his arse to run away (which he does at every opportunity). Solution? I would go down the slide too! Perfect! So I haul myself up the stairs leading the dog. Littlest goes down the slide, her friend goes, my turn! I start down, leash firmly in hand; Chuey doesn't follow. I give a tug on the leash and he finally decides to follow. When we get to the bottom I discovered that the reason he didn't come down on his own was that his foot was stuck. Friend's Mom decided to rip me a new one for cruelty to animals. I followed up by politely informing her that her kid looked like a monkey and she needed to mind her own beeswax. Strike 2.

Example 3. I am starting to feel defeated at this point and was about to throw in the towel when Biggest found a boy his age to play with- I overheard something about poop in their convo and proceeded to tune out the rest. Littlest made nice with a girl only 2 months younger than herself! Sa-Weet! So I am chatting it up with the New Best Friend's Mom when the girls come running over. They were laughing and chatting and screeching at the top of their lungs when out of nowhere Littlest says "Uh Oh" and proceeds to pee herself. Strike 3.

Welcome to my life. I have now decided that I won't make new friends until my kids have graduated and moved out of the house. Seriously. I guess I will have to commute to NC (hey, its only a 10 hour drive- no biggie) anytime I need human interaction. Until then I will hide away in my Log Cabin, because everyone knows that Log Cabins breed Hermits. Thats me, B-Dub the Hermit.

Tomorrow? Reviewing Best Friend Applications. If after reading this post you feel the need to withdraw your name from consideration I completely understand.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Applications Now Accepted

I have decided its time to find a new Best Friend! Not that I won't keep my other ones of course, but there is a definite lack of flavor in my life at the moment and a new Bestie is just the way to fix it! Please fill out this short questionnaire for consideration. Thank you.

1. Are you male or female?

2. Do you now, or have you ever obsessed over Lady Gaga?

3. Are you homosexual? If you answer no to this one: Are you willing to be?

4. Are you able to provide fashion advice?

5. Would you truthfully tell me if my ass looked big? or if I had something stuck in my teeth?

6. Are you willing to wear an inscribed BFF bracelet or necklace at all times?

7. Are you willing to accept phone calls and text messages 24/7 for when I am feeling lonely or needy or I if I have a bad dream?

8. Will you accompany me to the restroom regardless of where we are?

9. Are you available for long shopping trips that will (unfortunately) include at least one, but prolly both  punky punks who hate shopping?

10. If you had one ticket to see Lady Ga would you willingly gift it to me because I obviously love her more than you?

11. If I have an identity crisis and  forget, for example, that I am not 18 anymore are you willing to let me down easy?

12. Finally, and prolly the most important, should I lose my mind and decide to get Vagazzled will you happily punch me in the face?

If there is anything super important that you think I may have left off of my BFF application please feel free to let me know. I wanna make sure I get this right Webbers. Its important!