Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Day I Almost Went to Jail

Today was a day like no other. And I have had some doozies, but today takes the cake and will forever be known as "The Day I Almost Went to Jail."

In an effort to Keep it Real, like I always do, I'm gonna give you the play by play- with my internal thoughts in orange.

Phone rings:
Me: Hello?
Lady: Is this Mrs. B-Dub?
Me: Um, yes.
Lady: Hello, how are you doing today?
Me: Um, okay?
Lady: Great, good to hear (ok, is this some telemarketer? Seriously, get to the point already) I am Mrs. So and So from your child's school. (Oh crap, here it comes) And I need you to come and pick up your son as he decided to bring a knife to school today.
Me: WHAT!?!?!??!?!? Are you serious?? (Oh man oh man, he finally did it. He freakin snapped, he prolly stabbed that kid he calls his "Arch Enemy." Oh my, I am gonna kill him. This is it, I am actually gonna have to kill him.) Ok, I will be there as soon as I can get out the door.

I throw some clothes on Littlest, grab some shoes and head out the door. These are my thoughts along the 5 mile drive to the School.

I wonder if the police are already there. What the hell happened???? How did he get a knife in the first place? He knows better! I am sooo gonna kill him, that's it. I guess I should call my mother so she can pick up littlest so she won't have to go into foster care. How am I gonna explain this one to Charley? "Sorry Dear, Oldest took a knife to school and stabbed some kid on the bus and then I strangled him. Don't worry though, I shouldn't be locked up for too terribly long. Maybe I can even get out before you get back from Afghanistan! Wouldn't that be good?" Ok, maybe not. No, definitely not, I think he will be pretty pissed that I killed his kid and all. Maybe I don't ACTUALLY have to kill him. Maybe the po-po will already have him locked up and I won't be able to get my hands around his neck!

Arrive at the school. (Wait, why aren't there any cop cars here? Shouldn't there be sirens and flashing lights? Thats what happened at Columbine. I mean, I know it was a knife and not a gun but what the heck! Oh no, maybe they are just waiting for me to come before they call the coppers. Wait, that doesn't make any sense.

Enter office, start signing into the visitors log. Ladies behind the counter start whispering to each other. All I can hear is "Go get so and so, his Mom is here." Great, they are anticipating my violence. Not good. Perhaps this "So and So" is the one that is gonna call the cops. I can't believe this is happening.

Get called back into the principals office (yeah, you never lose the terrible butterflies involved with the dreaded "Principals Office" NEVER.

Lady: The reason we called you in today is because Oldest decided to bring a knife to school today. (Yeah, thats what you said on the phone, get to the point already so I can strangle him) We are relieved to tell you that we don't think he actually meant to hurt anyone, he just wanted to show off for his friends. (What? Didn't hurt anyone? Does not compute. Holy Moley, does this mean I don't have to kill him?)

Me: Oh, well, thats good. I mean that he didn't hurt anyone, not that he brought the knife to school or anything. Cause that is still really bad and all....

Lady: Well, yes, I think. Anyways the point is that the principal is out sick and the assistant principal is out of the building for the morning, so basically we just need you to take him home and the assistant principal will give you a call when he gets in.

Me: So, what your saying is that he didn't actually hurt anyone? (she nods) And he was just trying to show off? (Nods again) And I don't actually have to go to jail today? Or call my Mother to come and get Littlest so she won't have to go to foster care?

Lady: Um, I'm not sure what you mean...

Me: Um, well, this is a little awkward. Anyways, the point is that not one was hurt, and I just have to take him home instead of Jail or whatever?

Lady: Um, are you okay? I don't know why you thought you would have to take him to jail...

Me: .....  .......   ......   ......    .......  ....... ..... .... .. .. Well, isn't that what usually happens when kids go psycho and start stabbing other kids at school? I mean, its not like I have much experience with it, as I have never actually stabbed anyone before or anything.....

Lady: Mam, is there someone you can call to hang out with you for a while?

Me: You have no idea. Anyways, I am just rambling because I am so relieved that I don't have to kill my kid today. Um, yeah just rambling. Soooooo I guess we are gonna leave now. I hope you have a great day! Um, and if you don't mind, the next time you call to tell me that my kid brought a knife to school can you please go ahead and tell me that he didn't stab anyone. Cause then maybe I won't freak out so much. That would probably be great for me. Maybe, you should work on your phone skills, cause you really had me freaked the  heck out.

Lady: Excuse me?

Me: Never mind, we are just gonna go now. I think I need a Xanax.

Exit office.

Yeah, another great parenting moment by B-Dub.

Oh, and FYI the "knife" was actually a multi-tool that had a little pocket knife as one of the attachments. And Oldest had it because we were making a 72 hour Emergency Kit and the paper recommended we include a multi-tool, cause you never know when one will come in handy. The blade is exactly 1 inch long, so I don't actually think he could have seriously damaged the Arch Enemy, even if he wanted to. And, as he repeatedly tells me, he just wanted to show off how cool it is to his friends, he didn't actually want to hurt anyone.

And he gets to go back to school tomorrow, only he is officially suspended from the bus.

Probably, no harm no foul.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

McCrappies hearts Shoe Dazzle

The rain hasn't stopped in two weeks. TWO WEEKS people. That is 14 days of cooped up kids, 14 days of ripping out my hair, 14 days of not going outside EVER. Pretty much hell on earth.

Last night we had to go to a fund raiser for Oldest's school at Chick-fil-a. So, it wasn't like pulling teeth to get the kids out the door for a change. However once we arrived the screeching started. Littlest can out-screech the best of 'em, and it makes you want to shove a rusty spoon in your eye. We didn't stay for too long, perhaps an hour tops- long enough for the kids to finish their dinner and play in the play area for a bit. It was time to go when Oldest came out of the play land and said it smelled like dirty wet socks. Once whiff confirmed it and I decided it wasn't worth the kids getting athlete's foot just to burn off energy. It smelled BAD.

This morning Oldest forgot to take his lunch to school with him, so Littlest and I had to run it up there. I figured that since I had to leave the house I might as well get dressed. I even put on makeup and heels. But not just any heels- my Shoe Dazzle, picked by Kim K, stylish kinda heels. They are silver, strappy, and the heels and platforms are silver snake skin. Who doesn't feel fabulous wearing silver snake skin? No one, thats who.

So after dropping of Oldest's lunch I decided to take Littlest out for lunch. Wasn't trusting the Chicky, prolly all stinky still. The only alternative for an indoor play land is McCrappies. Yeah, I went in there sporting my silver snake skins. All the other Moms were jealous, I could tell.

And then something remarkable happened, Webbers. Remarkable. Are you ready??

I met another Mom who:
1) recently moved to Ft Campbell and
2) has a kid the same age as Littlest and
3) she has no friends yet either.

Needless to say it was my Shoe Dazzles that sealed the deal. I know she was thinking that I had to be the coolest Mom in the area. Shoes tell a lot about a person and mine are screaming "HIPSTER."

She not only asked for my digits but also has volunteered her hubs to watch ALL THE KIDS so we can go work out. And by "work out" she means check out Dunbar Cave and see what their trails are like, so not really working out at all basically.

The stars have aligned themselves today. Bekum is already JEALOUS, and has informed me in no uncertain terms that I am NOT allowed to like my new friend and her punks more than I like her and baby Ty-Guy. All I can say to that one is "Duh" and guess what else? I won't like her more than Rabbit (BFF winner) or Mr. The Savage (BFF RU (Runner Up). I never forget the people who got me to where I am today. Even if it is just sporting Shoe Dazzles to McCrappies.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The Hurting Locker

Last night I was sitting around bored after the punks were placed into their beds and decided to watch The Hurt Locker. Lets review:

Excellent Movie.
The part at the end when he is all standing in the cereal aisle, totes true. I have seen the same look on Charley's face more than once.
The adrenalin kick is a force to be reckoned with, it will haunt you in your sleep  (so I hear).

Probably, not the best flick to watch while Charley is in Afghanistan. Didn't sleep a wink last night. Stupid movie.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Chubaca Exposed

I know, I know, I promised this post like days ago but it really isn't my fault it's late!!! See, my computer is almost 6 years old. Super Ancient. And like any geriatric patient it needs a lot of maintenance to keep it running. Newest prob? Registry errors (Code 19 for all the super geeks out there). My computer is officially the Joan Rivers. I don't know how long I can keep it up and running, but we have been through so very much together that the thought of getting a new one feels like betrayal. Not to mention that my CD ROMs aren't working so I can't get all my pics and other such nonsense off of this one to put on another. Sads.

But, true to form Chubaca continues his quest for world domination regardless of my computing issues. Charley used to think I was crazy when I told him that Chuey would speak to me. And he never did believe me when I told him "Chuey made me do it." Well, take this Unbelievers, I have photographic evidence that my pooch is possessed. See:

He is looking at me...

Here he is having one of his "little episodes." Usually there is a lot of rolling
around on the floor, drooling, and sometimes gagging.

See?!?!?! He even grows freakin HORNS!

We tried using baby Ty-Guy to drive the demons out.
We were unsuccessful.
Send Help.