Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Day I Almost Went to Jail

Today was a day like no other. And I have had some doozies, but today takes the cake and will forever be known as "The Day I Almost Went to Jail."

In an effort to Keep it Real, like I always do, I'm gonna give you the play by play- with my internal thoughts in orange.

Phone rings:
Me: Hello?
Lady: Is this Mrs. B-Dub?
Me: Um, yes.
Lady: Hello, how are you doing today?
Me: Um, okay?
Lady: Great, good to hear (ok, is this some telemarketer? Seriously, get to the point already) I am Mrs. So and So from your child's school. (Oh crap, here it comes) And I need you to come and pick up your son as he decided to bring a knife to school today.
Me: WHAT!?!?!??!?!? Are you serious?? (Oh man oh man, he finally did it. He freakin snapped, he prolly stabbed that kid he calls his "Arch Enemy." Oh my, I am gonna kill him. This is it, I am actually gonna have to kill him.) Ok, I will be there as soon as I can get out the door.

I throw some clothes on Littlest, grab some shoes and head out the door. These are my thoughts along the 5 mile drive to the School.

I wonder if the police are already there. What the hell happened???? How did he get a knife in the first place? He knows better! I am sooo gonna kill him, that's it. I guess I should call my mother so she can pick up littlest so she won't have to go into foster care. How am I gonna explain this one to Charley? "Sorry Dear, Oldest took a knife to school and stabbed some kid on the bus and then I strangled him. Don't worry though, I shouldn't be locked up for too terribly long. Maybe I can even get out before you get back from Afghanistan! Wouldn't that be good?" Ok, maybe not. No, definitely not, I think he will be pretty pissed that I killed his kid and all. Maybe I don't ACTUALLY have to kill him. Maybe the po-po will already have him locked up and I won't be able to get my hands around his neck!

Arrive at the school. (Wait, why aren't there any cop cars here? Shouldn't there be sirens and flashing lights? Thats what happened at Columbine. I mean, I know it was a knife and not a gun but what the heck! Oh no, maybe they are just waiting for me to come before they call the coppers. Wait, that doesn't make any sense.

Enter office, start signing into the visitors log. Ladies behind the counter start whispering to each other. All I can hear is "Go get so and so, his Mom is here." Great, they are anticipating my violence. Not good. Perhaps this "So and So" is the one that is gonna call the cops. I can't believe this is happening.

Get called back into the principals office (yeah, you never lose the terrible butterflies involved with the dreaded "Principals Office" NEVER.

Lady: The reason we called you in today is because Oldest decided to bring a knife to school today. (Yeah, thats what you said on the phone, get to the point already so I can strangle him) We are relieved to tell you that we don't think he actually meant to hurt anyone, he just wanted to show off for his friends. (What? Didn't hurt anyone? Does not compute. Holy Moley, does this mean I don't have to kill him?)

Me: Oh, well, thats good. I mean that he didn't hurt anyone, not that he brought the knife to school or anything. Cause that is still really bad and all....

Lady: Well, yes, I think. Anyways the point is that the principal is out sick and the assistant principal is out of the building for the morning, so basically we just need you to take him home and the assistant principal will give you a call when he gets in.

Me: So, what your saying is that he didn't actually hurt anyone? (she nods) And he was just trying to show off? (Nods again) And I don't actually have to go to jail today? Or call my Mother to come and get Littlest so she won't have to go to foster care?

Lady: Um, I'm not sure what you mean...

Me: Um, well, this is a little awkward. Anyways, the point is that not one was hurt, and I just have to take him home instead of Jail or whatever?

Lady: Um, are you okay? I don't know why you thought you would have to take him to jail...

Me: .....  .......   ......   ......    .......  ....... ..... .... .. .. Well, isn't that what usually happens when kids go psycho and start stabbing other kids at school? I mean, its not like I have much experience with it, as I have never actually stabbed anyone before or anything.....

Lady: Mam, is there someone you can call to hang out with you for a while?

Me: You have no idea. Anyways, I am just rambling because I am so relieved that I don't have to kill my kid today. Um, yeah just rambling. Soooooo I guess we are gonna leave now. I hope you have a great day! Um, and if you don't mind, the next time you call to tell me that my kid brought a knife to school can you please go ahead and tell me that he didn't stab anyone. Cause then maybe I won't freak out so much. That would probably be great for me. Maybe, you should work on your phone skills, cause you really had me freaked the  heck out.

Lady: Excuse me?

Me: Never mind, we are just gonna go now. I think I need a Xanax.

Exit office.

Yeah, another great parenting moment by B-Dub.

Oh, and FYI the "knife" was actually a multi-tool that had a little pocket knife as one of the attachments. And Oldest had it because we were making a 72 hour Emergency Kit and the paper recommended we include a multi-tool, cause you never know when one will come in handy. The blade is exactly 1 inch long, so I don't actually think he could have seriously damaged the Arch Enemy, even if he wanted to. And, as he repeatedly tells me, he just wanted to show off how cool it is to his friends, he didn't actually want to hurt anyone.

And he gets to go back to school tomorrow, only he is officially suspended from the bus.

Probably, no harm no foul.


  1. OH MY EFFIN GOD. First of all, the exact same words would have come out of my mouth. I would have been a complete blubbering idiot...only I would have refused to take him home (if they admitted he only did it to show off, why bring him home, right? For me to have to figure out what to do with him for the ENTIRE rest of the long day)! LOL!

  2. Holy Crap!! I pretty much would have handled it exactly like you had...not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing...
    Seriously though, wow, what a day girl!

  3. When the school calls me and the principal says "this is Chris"...cuz we are on a 1st name basis...I say..."Shit who did what now?"
    So don't feel bad about your choice of words.

  4. When I was in school we could still bring real scissors and a the multi-tool thing didn't exist yet... but even then it wouldn't have been taken away...

    And if you know what you're doing a 1 inch blade can be devastating....

  5. At least he didn't stab anyone. I was a holy terror when I was a kid (shock right?) and stabbed a girl in the arm with a compass because she was prettier than me...

  6. Why couldn't they have just said on the phone, "don't panic, he didn't hurt anybody, but because he has a knife, we need you to take him home"...that's what any parent would have said! Of course you were going to freak out on them! All they told you was to pick up your son because he had a knife...they should've just given you a shot as an apology :)

  7. Thank goodness I homeschool. I'd almost forgotten about those awful calls.