Wax my what?

Something very good happened to me yesterday. And I mean GOOD. Like, in all caps it was so good. And then it almost went south. Fast.

See, it started out with my birthday partying last week. Only my mother didn't so much get me a birthday present. But not to worry! I wasn't upset or anything. It happens sometimes like every year  when things get busy or whatever.

So this year I let her off the hook- I told her if she wanted to watch my kids and buy me a pedicure that would happen while she was watching my kids then we would be even. But the key was that I didn't want to take the kids with me while I was getting a pedicure. You all understand, don't you internet? I mean, a pedicure loses it's redemptive qualities if there is a nine year old punk complaining that he is bored. Or a three year old trying on every color of nail polish available, only not putting the caps back on and therefore creating a sea of nail polish of every color imaginable on the floor..... I just couldn't take it. If the pedicure was gonna happen then she had to watch those punks!

So after said mother agrees to 1) keep 2 punks, age 9 and 3 and 2) pay for pedicure; I left the house and drove about three or four blocks to the nearest nail salon and subjected myself to their devices of torture. And do you know what? I loved every minute of it. Mostly the "No Kids" part. But also the foot rubbing, and the chair massaging, and the relaxing...

Then she turned me blue. Literally.

Now, I am not sure if you have been turned blue before; but it wasn't totally uncomfortable. In fact, I might even get accustomed to being turned blue.

Now see those jars? The green, blue, white? The big ones? Those jars hold the nectar of all pedicure gods. It was fabulous. Something about sugar... and sea salt .... and citrus oils.....

And then- as if it wasn't great already, she did THIS!!!

Dear Pedicure Lady,

Thank you for wrapping my feet in those fantastically heated towels, that just happen to be orange. Orange is my signature color.
I love you. Will you marry me?

B-Dub

ps. the language barrier isn't really a problem for me, assuming it isn't a problem with you!


Now where, you rightly ask, did this adventure almost turn south? Because, and it is true, B-Dub was completely enjoying this pedicure. And there was no nail polish sea of colors anywhere to be found. Not was there a nine year old punk whining. It all appears perfect. Flawless even.

Well, let B-Dub tell you. It was as fabulous as it seemed- and perhaps even better. Aside from totally freaking out the Pedicure Lady with offers of marriage, that is.

You see, internet, the hotness of the towels began to fade. And the slimy-ness of the blue stuff began to stiffen. It had to end. And as Pedicure Lady was washing the blue from my feet and legs she asks if I would like to wax.

"Wax what?" says B-Dub
"Your feet" says Pedicure Lady (who henceforth with be called PL for simplicity's sake)
"What do you mean, my feet?" says B-Dub
"You have hairy toe, and top of foot. I wax it off. Take 2 minutes. Wax is ready" says PL
"But I really don't think its that bad, and I really don't want to wax my feet" says B-Dub
"But wax you feet keep them smooth for about two month" says PL
"No, really, I can't wax my feet. I can barely stand to wax my mustache, and Charley teases me about it and everything. No, I am not going to wax my feet" says B-Dub
"I just go get wax. You very hairy, need wax" says PL

I was, of course, hyperventilating by this point. There was no way this lady was gonna get anywhere near my feet with hot wax. Not gonna happen. Ever.

And then something fantastic happened.



Her next appointment came in! Then she totally forgot about torturing me with wax, and I could once again go about my relaxing without scoping for the nearest exit. Because seriously internet- if she had come at me with wax I was gonna jump ship and haul out of there. I would have paid for my partial manicure using a check sent safely through the Untied States Postal Service. No return address.

Besides. my feet aren't that bad. Are they?

HA HA HA HA HA HA

BWAHAHAHAHAHAH

WHOOOOWHOOOWHOO

Gotcha!

Those aren't my piggies! They belong to Captain Normal! Here is what I wound up with:

and yes I know, I do have some hair on my toe. Get over it. Or quit looking. Perv.

Oh, and I also made her paint my nails to match. Because  I'm all matchy like that. And unfortunately fortunately for myself, my nail polish MATCHES my PURSE exactly. What are the odds that I would choose TWO items that are the same shade of ORANGE????

Did I mention that orange is my signature color?

I would also like to apoligize to everyone in the nail salon who were freaked out by my picture taking. In my defense, the internet made me do it.

Additionally, today, 11/6/09, I am going to pick up my hubby and steal him away to a lovely hotel near Ft. Benning, GA. You see, the kids and I left Montana in May. That also happens to be the last time we have seen Charley. You bet these kids are excited. And B-Dub too. So, on that note you probably won't hear from me until Tuesday next week. I know, I know, I will miss you too, internet. Don't go changing whilst I am away. Oh, and can someone look after my FarmVille. You know how much I love it. And adopting animals. Especially when Charley is away. Hehehehe.

Every now and again

There are times when I am scouring the computer looking at pics- mostly cause I can't remember my oldest punk EVER being tiny- that I come across a pic that needs no words. In fact, if I even attempted to explain it would only cloud your judgement. You need to enjoy the simplicity, the uncomplicated, the drama free, the pure happiness of childhood.

The sheer joy of whipping along on a treadmill, into the arms of someone who is snapping pictures of you whipping along on the treadmill. And hopefully they put the camera down long enough to catch you before you crash into your favorite cousin.

The very same cousin who introduced you to Star Wars light sabers. How incomplete your life would be without him. What would you do without sword fighting knowledge?

And without this favorite cousin, who would teach you how to get the maximum enjoyment out of eating Dum-Dums? Vital skills taught here.

Oh, this cousin of yours. How we love him and all his quirks.  He who teaches all how to accessorize, he who is Master of Dance, Dance, Revolution. He imparted his knowledge to his younger cousin. 

It really isn't his fault that the lessons produced this. He tried. Oh, how he tried.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I have been a very good girl this year. I have taken care of my children; I have driven from Montana to Georgia with several stops in many states. I started homeschooling my oldest child. It’s been painful at times, but we are sticking with it and this year we are hoping to see some rewards at Christmas time.

This year for Christmas, Dear Santa, I would really and truly like to indulge myself. I would love to indulge myself with fine foods like the ones found in:

"The Pioneer Woman Cooks: Recipes from an Accidental Country Girl." The Pioneer Woman Cooks is a homespun collection of photography, rural stories, and scrumptious recipes that have defined her experience in the country. Ree Drummond shares many of the delicious cowboy-tested recipes she's learned to make during my years as an accidental ranch wife—including Rib-Eye Steak with Whiskey Cream Sauce, Lasagna, Fried Chicken, Patsy's Blackberry Cobbler, and Cinnamon Rolls—not to mention several "cowgirl-friendly" dishes, such as Sherried Tomato Soup, Olive Cheese Bread, and Crème Brûlée. She shows her recipes in full color, step-by-step detail, so it's as easy as pie to follow along. You can find this cookbook "The Pioneer Woman Cooks: Recipes from an Accidental Country Girl" at Amazon.com.

Dear Santa, to go along with this fantastic cookbook I need to have a supply of cast iron cookware.  It would be impossible to indulge in these fantastic flavors because you cannot pan sear a delicious rib-eye steak using a non-stick pan! The Lodge Cast Iron Cookware has a Signature Series that is to die for, Santa! I would love to receive just one or two pieces of this fantastic cookware. Specifically, the Signature Series 12 inch skillet and the Lodge Signature Series 12 inch Grill Pan. Oh Santa, I don’t know how I have lived with out theses pans for so long! Please help me! 

And Dear Santa, what is Christmas without Christmas cookies? And what better way to make delicious cookies than to use Calphalon's most durable bake ware ever - the Classic Nonstick bake ware line with a reinforced nonstick for lasting durability. The two jelly roll pans are made of aluminized steel that resists rusts. Classically designed for professional results, the Calphalon Classic Nonstick bake ware is designed to resist sticking and is dishwasher-safe for easy cleanup. Santa, if you would like to continue consuming Christmas Cookies at my house I NEED these jelly roll pans!!!

Oh Santa, I’m not asking for a lot this year. Please don’t fail me now!

Yours Truly

B-Dub.

Partying, just a little bit

And so as the weekend progressed we continued to Party like it was My Birthday. And I have partying proof. Here we go....

Go B-Dub! Its your Birthday!

We gonna Party like it's your Birthday

Bringin it arooouunndd town

Throw You Hands in the Air, Like You a True Play-a!!!

Even Cleopatra showed up for my Party. Whaz up Butterfly and Cleo?? 

Ya'll havin fun with B-Dub??

Hey Now! No More Monkey Business... 

The Gang is all Here. Only Famous people at B-Dub's shindig ya'll

And all I can say is: One OOOOOgly EYE!!! (its one of this punks favorite books)

And yes. This is B-Dubs Dad: Captain Normal. 

it explains a lot...

Lyrics Answers!

Alright, I can’t keep you in suspense any longer!

1. GreenDay; When I Come Around

Green Day. Duh.

2. The Killers; Somebody Told Me

3. Dave Mathew’s Band; Space Between

4. Carrie Underwood; So Small

The Killers

5. Miranda Lambert; Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

6. Miranda Lambert; Gunpowder and Lead

7. Fall Out Boy; Dance, Dance

8. Reba; Fancy

Fall Out Boy

9. Deana Carter; Did I Shave My Legs For This?

10. Pat Benatar;  Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Pat Benatar

What can I say, I have a slightly eclectic taste in music. Anything to shake my grove thang to. Or not, as shaking can sometimes lead to heart burn. I ain’t as young as I used to be.

Miranda Lambert

Go Shorty, its your birthday!

And in recognition of the fact that I was born 29 years ago, I would like us all to take a moment; bow your head, and clearly chant:


Go shorty, it's your birthday!

We gon' party like it's your birthday!

We gon' sip on Bacardi like it's your birthday!

And you know we don't give a *(edited for content...)*, it's not your birthday!



Thank you 50 Cent for your stirring rendition of the Birthday Song.

Now, in the same spirit of song I would like to introduce you to a little segment I'm going to call: 


Music Friday! 


or I could call it Lyrical Fridays. And the use of Friday isn't exclusive, we could play on any day that ends in "Y." 

Anywho, the whole point of the game is to "Name that Song!" I am gonna give some lyrics and you tell me what song it is from. Ready??

1. No time to search the world around, cause you know where I’ll be found….

2. Breaking my back just to know your name; seventeen tracks and I’ve had it with this game.

3. The space between the tears we cried is the laughter keeps us coming back for more.

4. I know its hard on a rainy day you just want to shut the world out and just be left alone

5. I watched her for awhile but I didn’t like her walk. Came across kinda cheap to me, but hey, how’s that my fault?

6. I’ve got two miles till he makes bail and if I’m right we’re going straight to hell.

7. I’m two quarters and a heart down, and I don’t want to forget how your voice sounds. These words are all I have, so I write them. See, I need them just to get by.

8. We didn’t have money for food or rent, to say the least we were hard pressed. Then Momma spent every last penny we had to buy me a dancing dress.

9. Now when we first met, you promised we’d get a house on a hill with a pool.  Well, this trailer stays wet, and we’re swimming in debt. Now you want me to go back to school.

10. You come in with your come- on’s you don’t fight fair, that’s okay, see if I care. Knock me down it’s all in vain; I get right back on my feet again.

Man, this is fun. I have some crazy music on my phone. We might need to repeat every Friday just to get in the mood for the weekend. Maybe we can call it “Crazy Music Friday”, or “Guess What B-Dub Was Listening to This Morning.” Oh, how about “Random Thoughts From The Shuffle.” 

Holy Cow, some Primus just came on. Have you ever heard “Amos Moses?” Well, let me expand your horizon. Please keep your hands and feet inside until the ride comes to a complete stop. And remember, if you don’t like it blame Charley. He downloaded it. Oh, yeah, And Enjoy the Ride!

Stay tuned tomorrow for the answers to the quiz!!!

Pumpkin Carving For Dummies

Would you like to learn the secret for carving perfect pumpkins? Well, me too. So let me know when you find out. Here in B-Dub land we do it our own way. And we did it our own way last night. I would also like to mention that pumpkin carving is usually the territory of Dadda, NOT Momma B-Dub. And I would also like to mention that Boys are from Mars and Girls are from Venus. And I like egg rolls.

These are what we wound up with. Three big ol' pumpkins of dubious origin. The Triangle Man is mine, with some help from T. The middle guy with the huge honkin nose is smallest punk's, and the guy on the end my oldest punk created and CARVED all by himself. Yes, Internet friends, I did let a 9 year-old boy handle a knife, all by himself. With only T watching over his shoulder to make sure he wasn't gonna lop off a finger or two. Don't tell anyone, but I think T had fun. And two heart attacks.



Now when I say Girls are from Venus and Boys are from Mars I want to watch my two punks in action.

"You want me to stick my hand in WHAT?"




Mom! I bet I can get the guts out faster than you can!!!



Ummm, I think I will pass on the gut scraping. Its just not ME!



I am the GUT SCRAPING MASTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then there was this guy:

Oh Man, oh Man, he is a keeper. He isn't from Mars yet, but he IS in the running for Spaz MaGee 2010.

MOMMA!!!!!! Your not doing it right!!!!

At that point I was done. Check out the FORCED GRIN! All I could think was "Just you wait kid, I'm gonna take a handfull of pumpkin guts and smear it in your HAIR! Then you will smell like pumpkin..... only, then I would have to clean you up.... maybe I will hold off on that idea for a few years. Maybe by then I will have my anger issues under control. Maybe....



And here they are in all their splendor. And I didn't even smear anyone with pumpkin guts. I think Dadda gets to play this game with them next year.



And beleive it or not, it wasn't till I was looking through these pics that I noticed my littlest one wasn't wearing any pants. Send help, like yesterday!!!!!



I had to throw this one up too. Just check out the look on bigish punk's face! CLASSIC! This is his "I have a pesky three year old sister who won't sit still so we can get this whole picture taking fiasco over with" look. I love my punks! And I am really glad that smallish punk at least had the decency to put on panties. Otherwise this pic never would have made the cut.